I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Randomize
