he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
