so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
