All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
