Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
