Only a mothe r could love this liver
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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