I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
