I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Randomize
