Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
