i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
