Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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