He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
