I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
