i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
