3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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