When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I could fuck to npr.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
