So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
