DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
He is an equal opportunity slut.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
