I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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