I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize