It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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