You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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