Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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