My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
it's like iHOP with fire
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
