Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
