Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize