ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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