I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
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After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
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After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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