the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I smell like Dick and happiness
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