my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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