if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
you made out with another girl for some wings
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
