Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
