I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Actions speak louder than pants.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
