She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
