im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
