My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
