I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
