Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
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