and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
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