Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
