I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
