he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I believe in your delicious
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
