last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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