just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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