She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
