peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
