He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
