3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
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