Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize
