I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
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