i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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