Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
