Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
