i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
did i walk over a car last night?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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