Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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