I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
