your thong is hanging out like whoa
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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